Shopping Zombies

You may have noticed them. They multiply during the Christmas frenzy. There are three types of Shopping Zombie:

The stalker

There you are, quietly perusing the buy-one-get-one-free processed cheese offers when you suddenly feel a presence to your immediate left. Your head slowly turns to find a mouth-breathing inbred peering at the same items.

You shuffle slowly to the right and spot some half price smoked salmon and head for that. The mouth-breather almost immediately shuffles away. But wait. She turns. Slowly. She’s heading for the salmon. Or could it be you? You’re out of there…

The Till Jammer

You unpack your items at the till. The Zombie in front has loaded half of her (her? It could be a him) items. Oh no! She rushes off. Minutes go by. The till clerk decides he isn’t going to continue (and to be fair why should he). We wait. And wait. The woman ‘rushes’ back with a tin of beans. A tin of beans? Jesus wept.

The Screaming Hysteric

“You f***ing w***ers can all f**k off! You’re all scum!” So screams the greasy haired unshaven tattooed freak who’s credit card has just been declined. The Screaming Hysteric is the most interesting Shopping Zombie because here we see what happens when their source of nutrition, their meat if you will, is withdrawn. Removal of purchasing power awakens the beast within and everyone can have a good snigger.


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